Not to be read by anyone under 18, unless youre a hot chick. In which case my address is:
6669 NE 42nd St.
The following is completely
fictional. Any resemblance to reality is entirely coincidental. Contents
of this story are merely creative license, not unlike a TV show or movie
that uses real people in fictional settings and situations. However,
if you do have video or pictures of events similar to the ones described
below, feel free to forward them to me for closer examination. Feedback,
comments, praise, criticism, death threats, nude photos, etc. can be
sent to voodoojoe2000 at yahoo dot com (come on, you can assemble that
into an actual e-mail address).
For personal use only. Feel
free to distribute to friends, enemies, lovers, hopeful lovers, whatever,
just keep my name and e-mail address on the story or I shall hunt you
down and make you write the whole damn thing out by hand.
Celebs in this story are Rachel
Bilson, Kate Beckinsale, and Scarlett Johansson. The codes are (MF,
cons, oral, F-mast, and anal).
Author’s note: I co-opted the name and career choice of Kate Beckinsale’s real life husband, but everything
else is from scratch. I don’t care how old he really is or what movies
he’s made, because quite frankly having Underworld as your big achievement
doesn’t qualify you to have me care. I also apologize in advance to
anyone that doesn’t want to see Adam Brody having sex with Rachel, but
turning him gay or impotent is too clichso I might as well let him
Back Seat Confidential #1 Chase The Ace
On the first day of seventh
grade, Warren Montag wanted to be anywhere else but school. It wasn’t
that he disliked school, he in fact rather enjoyed it, he just didn’t
want to be at this school. He’d been ripped away from his friends at
his old school and plopped down into a new one without anyone even bothering
to ask him how he felt about it.
Currently he was sitting
alone in the cafeteria eating his lunch because everyone else already
had their little clique and didn’t feel like letting the new kid hang
around with them. He knew the drill from having seen it over and over
at his old school, but that didn’t make it any easier to be the one
on the outside looking in.
“Mind if I sit here?”
Snapping out his reverie Warren looked up to see a cute girl with dark
hair and a light dusting of freckles across her nose and upper cheeks
standing next to a chair across the table from him.
“Of course,” Warren
said, sitting up in his chair and motioning for her to take a seat.
“Thanks. I’m Rachel
by the way,” Rachel said, sitting down across from him.
“You’re new, aren’t
you?” Rachel asked him, putting ketchup on her hamburger.
“Pretty obvious, isn’t
it?” Warren replied.
“Where are you from?”
Rachel asked as she lifted the burger to her mouth.
“From here, just changed
schools,” Warren responded. “My dad got a big new job so my
parents sent me here instead of letting me stay in public school. Said
wanted the best for me and all that.”
“You don’t sound too
happy about that,” Rachel observed.
“I’d rather be hanging
out with my friends than at a new school where I don’t know anyone,”
Warren said, shrugging his shoulders.
“That’s not true, you
know me,” Rachel pointed out.
“You know what I mean,”
Warren said, reaching for the container of pudding on his tray. “Damn,
I grabbed the wrong kind.”
“I accidentally grabbed
tapioca pudding instead of vanilla,” Warren explained. “I
hate tapioca pudding. It looks like fish eyes staring at you while you’re
trying to eat it. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.”
“I got chocolate if
you want to trade,” Rachel offered, picking up her pudding and
holding it out for him.
“You are now officially
my new best friend,” Warren said, grabbing the chocolate pudding
from her hand and replacing it with his tapioca before she could change
“I forgot a spoon,”
Rachel said as she opened her pudding.
“I grabbed two,”
Warren said, handing one of them to her. “I usually like to have
separate spoons for my fruit and pudding, but I can make an exception
“You’re my hero,”
Rachel said, taking the spoon.
+ * + * +